ellie's blog

todays shortest conversations

2006-11-23T22:06:00.000Z

neo the womaniser:

(bumping into each other in the street)
me: oh! i was just thinking about you!
neo: ah, you shouldn't think about me now. you should think about me in your dreams...
i love you! (kiss) bye!

at work in the library:

man: can you tell me where 116 is?
me: yes, it's just at the end of this section.
man: oh, sorry, i meant room 116.

berlin photos

2006-11-18T13:21:00.000Z

when spelling gets bad

2006-05-21T20:43:00.000Z

ellie says:
i think i need to sort out funeral clothes...

ellie says:
work out what to wear if it's horrible

Psycho Rob says:
buy something nice and cheap that still looks funky and die it black

Psycho Rob says:
oops *dye

Psycho Rob says:
what a bad place to make a speelling mistake

i cried

2006-05-14T16:00:00.000Z

today has been so grey and miserable and full of nothing.

except for now.

i have a purring cat curled up beside me, keeping me warm. i can smell the banana oat cake that hannah and i just made. i have an email that hints at a new friendship. and, even though outside is scary and rain filled, i might be risking it to go and see a popular film about gay cowboys.

The Perfect Man

2006-04-15T14:08:00.000Z

i met up with jem yesterday. i thought that when i saw him everything in my head (and my heart) would fall into place and all my questions would be answered. i think now i actually have more questions...but...it was a good day.

anyways, i've finally started ready 'bridge across forever'. at page 21 i had to laugh out loud - "I made a list: The Perfect Woman. By the ninth page I was getting discouraged. Every line I wrote was important, every line had to be. Yet no one could meet...I couldn't meet those standards myself!"

change that to 'The Perfect Man' for me and i have basically written exactly the same words. i guess a lot of people have. but how on earth am i meant to find anyone who covers all my criteria (which include the following: .has to be in love with 'etre et avoir', .has to read books, .mustn't be a carnivore, .has to see sex as a spiritual act, .has to be willing to crazy dance, .has to want children in the future, .has to feel home outside, ...and preferably loves marmite.)? for anyone that perfect i would be too shamed by my flaws to be with them.

do brains never shut up?

waiting for news

2006-03-15T16:39:00.000Z

i need one of those hugs where nothing has to be said but everything is understood.

there is only one person in the world i can think of who could give me such a hug right now. and it's not going to happen.

hannah's my saint at the moment.

last night we ate pizza, watched 'babe' and laughed at cuddly toys (or friends) and dressing gowns.

and that was what i needed then.

now...

(repeat)

spiff

2006-03-04T22:30:00.000Z

so when i went out on thursday i meant to get cash back at the local spar. instead i just ended up with some plastacine and some elastic bands.

and so i made a rubber band ball and (after watching a lot of creature comforts...) this.

i'm brilliant!

i'm an elephant

2006-03-03T00:01:00.000Z

i got an elephant 'E' for my door from the early learning center.

sales assistant: do you have a child under the age of six?

me: erm...no, i AM the child.

--------------------------------

felt a little lonely after someone who i thought could be a friend blew me off yesterday. so went out to the pub with kirsty tonight. and didn't feel lonely! ...until i got home to find a pile of hannah and chris on the sofa.

that's what i needed to tonight - a big bear cuddle.

i'm just going to have to wait. a very. long. time.

at least i got in some good chit chatting action with K. she's damn cool. and it was amusing to watch an old smelly man nod off to sleep. that is until 3 woman arrived wearing just tops and knickers. then he was wide awake.

puddleduck

2006-02-28T10:18:00.000Z

sometimes i wonder if, when i head up to 'heaven', it'll look like an aisle of library books covered in sun.

had a fab weekend with dad. and it's made me determined to learn to drive so that i can break out of the physical trap. the mental one is still being dealt with...

i'm looking forward to going to formby with rob when he's here and. well. i'm looking forward to him being here full stop!

oh and this morning i ate some chocolate spread that wasn't veggie <-- big ellie achievement.

tonight we're making them round things that will pile all the fat back on to my stomach (like it ever went away...). hopefully the walks at the weekend will mean i don't have to pile on the guilt too.

so. lets hold out hope of some snow.

beep.

a happy sun filled day

2006-02-17T23:24:00.000Z

i've had one of those days that turns out to be wonderfully relaxing and makes me realise that what's good in life is just letting it flow and enjoying it.

at work the sun filled the place and there was not much to do so it felt very slow in a rather nice kind of way. kirsty came and tidied the same section as me, and as there weren't too many people working we were able to have a little chit chat. the only bad point was the severe pain in my womb, back and legs. luckily when a trolley finally became available kirsty let me shelve it. phew!

i met julio outside the library, as i'd magically seen him before work and rearranged the meeting place. we went to 'the city deli', which was divine. they have a whole veggie menu with a few vegan options, and some of their wines are veggie too. i had a savoury cheese tartlet. mmmmmmmm. we then headed to cafe nero and sat on the cushy seats. i had chocolate cheesecake. groooooarg.

up until today whenever i've met julio i've always been able to speak easily with him but i've never felt completely relaxed around him, but today something clicked and i just felt like finally we were friends enough that i didn't need to be constantly thinking about whether something was a good or bad thing to say. i explained the word 'shabby' and explained that the verb is 'wanking', the noun for the person is 'wanker' but you can also 'have a wank'. bwahaha!

i also bumped into elavi and we're def going to be meeting up on sunday. i was looking forward to seeing just him. especially after his show on friday when i was listening to his music and really did miss him. i text him asking if he wanted to go for a walk. we've arranged to go to the park for a stroll. then i got a text from kat asking whether she could come along too and i don't feel as if i can say no. i want to see katherine too, it's just that when i meet elavi with someone else he's different to how he is when it's just him and i. when it's just the two of us we can talk seriously about religion and life and...faith and...um. i don't know what the word is. a sort of philosophy. i can't do that when katherine's there. i don't know why. but i can't see katherine being comfortable knowing that she's not there when elavi and i meet so i feel i'd be being rude and horrible to say 'actually, i'd really like to see just elavi because i miss the side of him that i see when we're alone'. hmmmmm. so anyways, i've invited them both round for some soup on sunday lunch and then head for a walk.

i'm hopefully seeing 'nanny mcphee' and wallace and gromit on sunday evening.

tomorrow i'm planning on going to the library to see graham and to read some good books. possibly head to new look to see if i can spend my vouchers on any nice tops. tidy up a bit. and then maybe go out for the night with julio, olga and...um...others that i don't know.

the part of the day that had me laughing out loud as i brushed my teeth, ready for bed, was the point at which julio and i had stopped outside the launderette to peer in and remark on how american it looked. suddenly from the door we were standing in front of this dog barked really loudly and we both jumped out of our skins and crashed into each other. julio said he didn't like dogs, but i've always liked a bit of dog and a bark has never scared me so i have no idea why this one gave me such a shock.

hee.

it's almost valentines day and i want roses

2006-02-13T23:52:00.000Z

eleanor >> a cat named easter said tap tap tapestry two tap tap me you says:

in 2 days time it'll be 3 years since the night in the field!!!!

...

Pete says:
but really? 3 years?

Pete says:
wow

eleanor >> a cat named easter said tap tap tapestry two tap tap me you says:
yup!

eleanor >> a cat named easter said tap tap tapestry two tap tap me you says:
i know!

eleanor >> a cat named easter said tap tap tapestry two tap tap me you says:
i was 2003

Pete says:
you didn't look much over 1985

nutty

2006-02-13T18:32:00.000Z

dogs have accents!

and rob and i are going to see red squirrels when he comes in march!

not very student like spending

2006-02-04T17:56:00.000Z

i’ve just worked out that i’ve spent £74 on clothes in the last week.

£25 – uclan top (though granny gave me £20 towards it)
£6 – elephant skirt
£5 – kitchen skirt
£4 – red top
£25 – skirt for elavi’s night (reduced from £50, so it must be okay, right?)
£8 – bag
£1 – pair of earrings

eek! and the worst bit is that the £8 bag really doesn’t go with the £25 skirt.

hmmmm...

what i did

2006-02-03T17:24:00.000Z

yesterday reminded me that, although i am highly introverted, i am also almost just as much extrovert. i feel happier when there are people around. we had our lecture at 9, then went for lunch at the green olive at 11! then han headed to her lecture and i headed to work. we then met up to buy bread from the bakery round the corner. i was hoping it'd smell of...well...a bakery. all fluffily white and bready. but it smelt of dissinfectant and the bread was hard...but, anyways, never mind. we had a second lunch (linner? dunch?). then i met julio and we went for coffee at brew then spent ages looking at dvds... i missed what was apparently the BEST NEIGHBOURS EVER, but hannah filled me in. :)

i started cooking dinner and hannah went out to meet her friend charlotte from the train station. we ended up getting pizza and then all went to source. except we couldn't talk so we went to roper. i haven't had alcohol for so long i thought i might get really stupid, but i didn't! and charlotte's really nice. she reminds me of theresa and weirdly they both went to the same uni...

decided to allow myself a guilt free lie-in this morning (i didn't even wake up until 9!). aaaaah! then went to work and now have chores to do. but they don't seem bad cause i have 'the da vinci code' to listen to (yes, i might finally be able to grasp what all the bloody hype is about).

tomorrow i'm gonna spend the morning reading various books in the library, and will hopefully see graham. then am meeting kat for lunch and she's hopefully gonna help me find a good skirt for elavis night. i really have put on weight 'cause if i try to wear my orange skirt (which used to make my stomach look as flat as a ruler) my stummy looks all bulgey. eek! i think i need to get bouncing some more...

boop tee boop.

i've taken to needing tori amos.

so you can make me cum, that doesn't make you jesus.

another scotland trip

2006-01-31T18:18:00.000Z

headed to scotland on friday. finished 'the horse and his boy' just before we stopped in glasgow. in the GOMA i watched a programme in which an glaswegian artist put on an exhibition in which someone had printed the sign wrongly. instead of the sign saying 'up your kilt' it said 'up your klit', which as the artist said, meant something quite different.

i spend ages in costa letter writing and reading before i caught the train to connel. i heard kerrys barking before i'd even got off the train!

granny said i looked pretty when i had my hair up. she said i had the same shape face as my mum.

on saturday we went across the bay, then went shopping in coop. a little girl walked past trying to carry a big water bottle.

grumpy: are you taking that to your mummy? where's your mummy?

little girl (in very spiteful voice): shut up, you stupid pig.

later the little girl walked past us.

grumpy: shut up.

it made me laugh yet made me sad at the same time.

saturday afternoon we went to tralee and the sun set was amazing. the mountains were bright pink all the way home.

sunday was quiet. we walked at tralee in the morning then had a nice lunch. went for another walk while the weather was still divine. were just about to play golf when vince and his new wife fiona (who i've never met before) arrived, so we had a nice cuppa and some shortbread. when they left we went back out to golf it. it was about 4oc and already the ground was hard with frost. it was good for teeing up!

and on monday morning the views from the trains made me want to cry. in the early morning the bright orange sun was just starting to melt the white trees and ground so that everything glittered. later the sun swept across greeny rolling fields with sheep and horses in them. the train from glasgow was heading to penzance, stopping in exeter. if i hadn't had work i would've just stayed on it. i wanted to so badly. at carlisle some smelly, but nice people got on and sat next to me. the train was late - i arrived in preston at 10 to 3 and had to be in work by 3 at the latest. i arrived at 3.07! yay me! work was awfully slow, but eventually i got out. came home and beed lazy and slightly depressed. i blame 'the bell jar'.

HORSES!!

2006-01-17T16:54:00.000Z

we just had police horses riding down our street! i didn't get my camera quick enough, however, they did leave some nice poo as a souvenier, so all is not lost.

do you think the council pay to clean it up?

entrapment. and the branches falling off my tree.

2006-01-15T22:52:00.000Z

I wanted to speak to rob about something so I rang up. Matt answered the phone and everybody was there. I was put onto speaker phone and spent the next 20 minutes listening (or trying to listen) to the conversation. One good aspect of this was the reiteration of the importance of body language within conversation. Being bodiless made it difficult to get my words out at an appropriate time. Twas interesting. Though this meant that I sat in the living room here, on my own, and wished I was there.

Eventually I got to speak to just rob, but that made me feel more sad. They’d gone to feed the ducks, and played scrabble and done just ordinary stuff that becomes fun when you do it with friends. This whole ‘being single’ thing isn’t too bad…as long as you have friends around you. But the trouble with being here is that the only friend I can completely relax around is Hannah. I miss doing stuff, and not relying on just one person to want to do that stuff with you.

I wish I didn’t feel so lonely here, but in order to make friends here I need that confidence that I only get from spending time with my friends. It’s like a vicious circle that keeps biting me. Hard.

It would’ve been better had I felt I’d done more with my day. All I did was wake up late, read some more of the bell jar (despite being really upset last night after watching ‘sylvia’), get up, go to the library, do about 20 minutes of work, talk to graham for about 20 minutes, come home, have lunch, finish ‘the magicians nephew’, talk to Hannah, do another half hour of work, browse the net for train times and hostels, have dinner and watch ‘child of our time’.

I really want to go for a walk somewhere. I want to run around in the open. I always feel so trapped here. Trapped by a thousand things, both physical and mental.

My prayer is that I am strong enough to meet some more people here who I can be myself around. I hope I’m not to shy to talk to them, not to awkward to show them a bit of me and then appear to change into a snob. I hope I’m not so weak as to let them think that something is me when it’s far from the truth. I hope I can make myself heard.

I miss having people who understand me. But I thank God once again for Hannah!

RAIHSBIWNFISLJBINSHIFTAIKTAMWWIHAW. hmmm.

2006-01-10T14:10:00.000Z

i feel a bit confused about a million different things.

and i've got a spot on my knee.

moo.

a rather brief account of a jazzy hogmanay

2006-01-02T22:41:00.000Z

we drove to glasgow over night in the car. mum and dad dropped us off at buchanan street bus station. we got a drink in the cafe until the smokers got too much for us and we headed to evil-but-oooh-so-yummy starbucks. we visited the GOMA (i don't think i have the ability to go to glasgow and NOT go there). then we headed to the cathedral which is def worth inspection if that's your jazz.

we got to edinburgh, checked in, made the beds and headed out to the film house on lothian. we had gorgeous spinach and mushroom soup and i had fennel tea (which i've missed). then i threw it up into a tray. luckily the sick smell was mingled with nice fennel! :) so we headed home pretty sharpish after that.

the next day we headed out and because of the snow the night before there was a lot of sludge. sludge that got into every crack of my boots and eventually to my feet. euck. we then wandered round for an age trying to find wellies (which in a scottish city you would've thought would be a pretty easy task. no). we shopped. probably spent too much. dale got some gorgeous stuff. i got a ring, some presents, a top, a(nother) pair of wellies and some socks.

we wandered. saw parliament. then went to the night afore party, which was fabulous!

on the 31st we went on the big wheel, visited the botanic gardens (where there were overly friendly squirrels), saw the exhibition in the national portrait gallery (wow!!) and then went back for a snoooooze. showered so as not to start the new year with dirty hair and then headed out! we visited the ceildh stage but then pottered on down to prince's street where we got squished and squashed and mingled. eventually we made it to the rock and pop stage where we saw hard-fi and brought in the new year wowing and attempting to sing auld lang syne. it sounded more like 'may old aquaintance be forgot and la la la la la, la la la la la la la la la la la la auld lang syne', as i'm sure it did throughout the country.

we then made our way back to the first stage and got greeted by a million (well...it felt like...) people. we had a jig. then i got whisked away by a tall blonde man in a kilt. he whirled me and then tried to kiss me. then swept me and stuck his tongue down my throat. and when i thought he was letting me know his name; 'i'm w*&%£^*' i thought 'oh, good. at least i'll know that'. i made him repeat it only to find out he'd actually said 'i'm wooden'. my thoughts backtrack to the summer. what is it with drunken loonies that makes me so attractive to them?!

we then wended about and made rob ring us. jumped about, then headed home.

slept in.

went to but flowers for dales uncle, then dale went off to meet him and his wife and i jazzed around the scottish museum then headed back to the national portrait gallery. we went back for dinner and apoke to a couple from new zealand who gave me some lemon and ginger tea bags. we went out just before 11 and eventually managed to find a nice place for a drink (human be-in). got to bed at about 2. then up at 6 this morning to shower and catch the train at (supposedly) 8. we then became 3 hours late (we were rescued by a thunderbird - oh! the amusement!!), but it was quite fun because we met a bloke called tim who was mucho cool.

i got home. ate. watched university challenge and the wordy programme. opened my gorgeous presents from granny and grumpy. and am now listening to my jorane CD and thinking i should be heading to bed in order to get up early to pack. we head to preston at 11.`eek! i'm so not ready! especially as my head is a muddle of men.

this time tomorrow i'll be in preston! life is weird!

i've had a fantastic christmas holiday and i hope everyone else has too.

p.s: my drunken bruise is still with me.

rounded not spiky

2005-12-20T11:50:00.000Z

all essays in!

that's one less thing to be stressed about and today i can relax, tidy and clean the house and pack for tomorrow!

on friday carolyn gave me a card. it had the best picture on the front and said:

Ellie

Sorry that things are getting you down.

Hope you will feel happier soon.

Lots of love

Carolyn X.

and today she text me:

Glad u got [your work] dun. Hope u av safe journey hom &hope u wil be ok whn go hom ref [certain ellie problems]. Life is v hard &often v sad but rem it is thu such thnz we grow spiritualy. U r a bful person & thr wil b lots of lovly thnz in lif 4u.x

that message and the encouragement i got from reading 'daughters of the moon...' helped me put everything into context. i know i feel sad at the moment but i need times of sadness and of loneliness and of grieving in order to grow and in order to appreciate happiness and love and warmth. i need to feel the sadness fully before i can just let it go. set it free. and this sadness that i have isn't a cold kinda grey, it's a warm one.

and tomorrow...I'M GOING HOME!!

worry dolls

2005-12-16T11:53:00.000Z

i've had a bit of a shit week.

loads of little things made it all too much.

hannah told me to smile and spent half a lecture talking to me in the toilets. carolyn offered to help with the work load and told me i could ring her whenever. graham agreed that it was difficult to lose a gorgeous pet and told me he would be thinking of me. xae sent me funny videos. hannahs will made me laugh by being very dirty. dad told me 'so is life'. and mum made everything seem a little more managable.

though none of them managed to remove the loads of stones that have been lodged in my chest.

my life feels so uncertain and certain things (or people, or animals) that i can count on being around have either fallen away or are on very unsteady ground.

i'm so looking forward to going home now. i just want to spend time with my parents and go to the pub like a normal human being.

none

2005-12-15T01:11:00.000Z

guess i should've told him that.

funny men and a lemony craving

2005-12-10T20:45:00.000Z

saw henrick elmer, jamie mathieson, mickey d and gavin webster at 53 degrees tonight. henrick was the best – so brilliantly weird!

trouble was gavin reiterated something i’ve been thinking about a lot lately. you know when you have a feeling or an idea that you wish you didn’t have, but that’s just the way it is? yeah. i got me one of them.

anyways…was good. and was nice to talk to jacquie and to laugh at simon, trying to carry her home.

today i’ve been a boring old fart, as seems to be the norm at the moment. i woke up late (forgot to set the alarm) and did some work for a couple of hours. then at about 12 i finally got a (very lemony) shower then went to buy milk for our porridge. therefore breakfast was at about 1. sainsburys shop (got lemon curd) started at about 2 and finished at about 4. lunch was has after that. followed by ‘let’s clean out the cupboards in a very procrastinating kind of way’. then i did a minimal amount of work and am thinking about dinner…which probably won’t get eaten until about 10.

aaaaaaah. well reeeeeeally! that’s no way to spend a day!

my mums letter

2005-12-01T19:22:00.000Z

today at work i remembered the letter that mum had written and hidden in my luggage when i first got to uni last year it september.

i remembered finding it right after my parents left and sitting on my new toilet and crying.

i remembered putting the letter on my new shelf where it stayed all year until i went home in may, when it was put in a bag where it stayed until about 5 minutes ago.

i just read it again. it made me cry again.

now it's under my pillow where it will probably stay for a very long time...until i manage to read it again.

i love my mum! i just hope at some point in time i can write one back.

ellie slippage

2005-12-01T15:18:00.000Z

two slips of late:

'that's where jerrys grave is' meaning 'that's where wellys grave is'. (think i just had jerry on my mind).

'aaaaaah! too much milk!' meaning 'aaaaaah! too much work!'. (no idea on this one).

i could call her gertrude

2005-11-29T17:06:00.000Z

the toilets at work stank of perfume. there was this middle-aged woman standing at the sinks.

i turned the tap on to wash my hands and it splashed onto this womans work.

me: oh! sorry!
woman: don't worry lovey
me: it's just so horribly splashy (yes - i actually said that)
*another youngish student comes out of cubicle*
woman: oh! you're brave! by the time i get the tissue and wipe the seat i don't want to go anymore. i'm too old.

i loved this woman! she was as close to abs fab as i've seen in preston! brilliant!

and here's one of my (many) observations:

when you work in a shop the phrase 'thank you' is the most over-used. when you work in a library the phrase 'i'm sorry' is the most over-used.

i'm bored of saying 'i'm sorry' especially when it's generally taken to mean 'i won't do it again' when, blatantly, i am.

the phrases 'excuse me' and 'could i just squeeze past you' are also getting a little weary.

have had an 'average' day. though have done none of my 'average' essay.

boo

2005-11-26T21:32:00.000Z

for some strange reason my brain keeps saying 'alfalfa' today.

i love it!

now instead of doing work i'm going to drink a nice cuppa and watch 'lemony snicket's a series of unfortunate events'! (so jeremy doesn't need to lend it to me...unless...well...i may need to see it again!)

take care me lovelies.

a summary of the past few days:

2005-11-25T12:31:00.000Z

monday was surprisingly good. my presentation was finished off (badly) and i went to lunch with julio and olga. we stopped in at roeburn (because olga lives there this year!) then headed off into town. we found a place that julio liked because it was ‘very british’. i think at that point i nodded and smiled. it was british in a very martin parr kinda way. I sat there wishing i had my camera on me so i could shoot the old ladies with fags hanging out their mouths and my meal (the only veggie option) that tasted of…nothing much. it was good to chit chat with them two though.

in the evening we had the car so hannah, chris and i drove through the eerie fog to sainsbury! and because we combined the shopping my side of the bill only came to about £30! we also bought veggie wine and when we got home han cooked the best macaroni cheese EVER. we had humous and crisps with our wine for nibbles. sooooo good!

tuesday was generally okay in the day and fantabulous by night! han and i went to see HP! and we even got HP scarves free with our kiddie snack deal! also the fact that i ate a packet of sweets that didn’t say ‘suitable for vegetarians’ on the packet was a source of happiness!

wednesday was pretty uneventful until after work when hannah met me and we wingled into town to see the turning on of the lights:

from buzz: ‘there were colourful rides and candy floss. and sing-alongs and a naughty deepdale duck. and big PNE footballers and lots of flashing bunny ears.

liberty x were turning the lights on.

oh! and does anyone remember 911?! well lee was also there.’

yesterday…erm. i felt exhausted. my stomach is still playing up (yeah…has been from tuesday and hannah has it too). i got my final essay questions for deaf studies and making meaning. and realised i have 3 weeks in which to complete all this work.

i sat in work feeling utterly miserable and wished i had someone to go home to/do something with. then i felt this presence towering over me. i thought it was a student with yet another ‘where’s this book?’ question, so i ignored them. but they stayed there so eventually i felt it best to look up…and it was katherine! so i spent the rest of my time pretending to work (unconvincingly) whilst talking to her and elavi. so…scrumble scrumble scrumble i eventually went flyering with kat, for the night at loft tonight. we flyered at roeburn and in a weird turn of events i got to go inside my old flat and the bloke who now lives in my room (and probably has sex in my bed) gave me my post.

i then came home and ate the remains of the lovely meal from wednesday. got into bed about 9. cried. got a call from rob. sorted my folders. ate. drank hot chocolate. slept.

now i should be going to work so i can get to the station to get my train ticket home so i can come back and actually get on with some work.

oooooowwweeeeee!

boom

2005-11-18T17:04:00.000Z

“3 stupid things ellie has done today-1) walked into the mens toilets at work, 2) walked into a post, 3) missed adams show for the promise of a free pen.”

by the time i’d gotten out of doing market research (about breakfast cereals) it was already 10 to 3 and i still had to finish a load of stuff on my ‘to do’ list. we still don’t have toilet roll, but i managed to buy some man sized tissues from aldi. they'll have to do until *someone* starts pulling her weight and buys some loo paper. like that’s ever gonna happen…

oooh.

whit woo!

2005-11-16T07:19:00.000Z

last night i felt like shit. i had a bath but ended up crying.

it was one of those 'lots of little things' cry that were centered around missing people and feeling lonely.

anyways, i had a talk with dale (after telling him i couldn't be bothered) and that felt better.

and just when i was saying to myself 'noone cares about me' rob text me and we're gonna talk soon!

and i've just woken up from a dream that involved jerry and i having hot chocolates in hannah and chris' new, very white, kitchen (that doesn't exist). my teeth were sqeaky from all the sugar and i thought i'd best go clean them. then i thought 'hmmmm...have you got alterior motives for wanting to brush your teeth?' and the answer was no. so. well, although that probably doesn't make sense to a lot of people. i understand it and it makes me feel more positive. also - it was nice to see jerry, which is something i wanted!

and then the other thing that was upsetting me has gone away again. ta da!

another snippet of julien text to keep you amused: "Hi miss E££ie...(etc)". is this guy crazy?? i woke up and read it as "I miss money". anyways, we're hopefully going ice skating on monday...and it looks like he's coming round for a movie at some point soon.

i need to eat my cooling toast now.

i feel like

2005-11-15T23:59:00.000Z

bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeh.

hot chocolate/cold bottom

2005-11-13T13:41:00.000Z

yesterday:

so i did a bit of work (though not nearly enough) and some washing (though not nearly enough).

J cleaned and tidied the kitchen and sitting room – wow! she did so good! i just wish we could all keep it like that...i considered doing ‘house rules’ because this place keeps reminding me of (eekeek) roeburn. but that seems rude and rather petty.

anyways...just after 3 i sat freezing my arse off and waited a julien! we hot chocolated in 'source' and it was really relaxing and fun. he’s so easy to talk to.

i’ve found it hard here at times to relate easily to a lot of people but, with him, i don’t have to think about what i’m going to say...i just say it. and he’s very knowledgeable about...well...most things it seems. i now know the french national anthem thing better than i do the british. two naughty hot chocolates each, then we left. and it was utterly freezing. the cold bites your bottom up here.

i got home to J telling me this is apparently going to be one of the coldest winters in a long time. and i’m UP NORTH without any WINTER COATS! aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarg! it was bad enough yesterday.

so if anyone wants to send me some woolly socks...or a knitted jumper...or anything warming (hot chocolate?!) then please, feel free…it’ll be muchly appreciated.

octopi

2005-11-10T23:25:00.000Z

woo!

i text back asking if that's how i should view 'french boy'. his reply:

"It depend of what u think about french boy!But i can assur u that Im french...(etc)"...

so now i'm unsure what to reply. because if i say the truth ("ever since i was about 10 i've dreamed of marrying a french guy") i think it may give the wrong impression!

anyways...i'm meeting julio for lunch tomorrow and the work that i've got to do tonight doesn't seem too daunting any more.

and i had a very good chit chat with the polaboyd. he sent me photies. lots of them.

good good. slip slap.

oh!!!! and another brilliant thing today that has kept making me laugh out loud (even when walking along on my own) - our 'making meaning' lecturer told us how she once mistakenly uttered the words 're-erection of christ'.

god!

please stop the laughter!

xx

is it wrong to think about the lords penis?

ups and downs. i'd like to chit chat with you.

2005-11-10T17:50:00.000Z

today has been 'up down'. but definitly more up than down.

i didn't get to meet julio et al for coffee and they're no longer going to see 'corpse bride'...and hannah's away in lancaster so i'm stuck in on my own. BUT i had a really interesting lecture in 'making meaning' and i walked back with a girl from my class. she's taking the third year module 'sociolinguistics' and it sounds like just the sort of thing i want to be doing! so that made things cheerier!

then i was walking up to work (v. late ((again)) of course) and i bumped into julien, who's the french guy i met at julios party. so after explaining bonfire night and apologising for blanking him before (i had baths on my mind and he had music in his ears) i got his number. when i got out of work i text him:

"Woo! Only 10 minutes late for work! Do you want to meet for coffee at some point this weekend? I've got loads of work to do, but perhaps meet for a break? Xx"

and he just text me:

"Sory 2mak u more late than u were!4me its ok we can meet during the WE I will be free all the time!Have a nice evening and take care lady...C u the french boy"

haha! 'the french boy'. i'm always worried that when i'm not being shy i come across too strong, but obviously i didn't scare this one away. anyways...it'll be cool if we could meet for a coffee, just to chat to someone nice will be fabulous! especially as i still keep feeling very reliant on hannah.

so...yeah, that cheered me some more.

and another thing that i was worried about seems to be okay too...though i guess we'll find out on friday. right?

oh! and i'm having a chit chat with rob as soon as i get my shoes off and a drink in my hand! that'll definitly make the day even better!

xx

i had a boohoo and mummy made it better

2005-11-09T17:43:00.000Z

at work today i got told that instead of having to come back for the 9th jan (which teresa said was fine) i have to come back for the 4th.

i spent the next 2 hours trying my damn hardest not to a) burst into tears (which mostly worked - only a little leakage) or b) bite my lips to shreds (unsuccessful). first i thought 'well - that's never gonna happen, i'll have to find a new job, and i don't want to because i love this job, and at this point in time the only thing i see myself doing after uni is working in a library. though that's not where i want to end up it's all i can think to do until my real dream job comes up...'. so i got in a tizz about that.

then i thought 'wait - you don't neccessarily have to quit. maybe you could get back in time.' but that set me thnking about how i'd be on my own for ages. which meant i started thinking about people who could come visit me. which made me miss a certain person who would want to visit even if i was gonna be a boring old fart, just to be with me. so that made it all worse.

i then walked home and wrote a text to this certain person, which i didn't send (because you can't send self-absorbed texts to people who aren't connected to you in *that* way any longer).

"Hello-i miss you right now. I need someone to talk to the way i could talk to you. I may have to quit my job at the lib cause i can't get back after xmas. And i love the job so much. Not sure why i'm telling you this. My lip's bleeding. Xx"

i got home. rushed upstairs. and cried. lots. and tried to phone my mum. after a while of more sobs the home phone rang and t'were me mam. and, as mums do, she made it all better.

she's gonna take some time off of work and come up with me for a few days. aaaaand because we're going in the car we get to bring my winter coats too (so i don't freeze my arse off). we're gonna have some fun days. that makes me happy!!!!!!!!!!!!! i hope when i grow up i'm the sort of mum who magically sorts everything. my mum's fab!!!!

i have other news. but me heed hurts too much. (though some words - loft, live music, elavi, kat, OD, good night, talked to OD a lot, couches, class, yum, OD walked me home)

my:ci.

bonfire night

2005-11-06T19:15:00.000Z

from buzz:

'i got the bus to lancaster to meet hannah and chris. we went to the castle to drink veggie nettle beer and watch fireworks whilst listening to the national anthem and 'jerusalem' (which should be the national anthem). the fireworks lasted for 20 minutes, so it was a bit more impressive than the scout hut at home.

we then went home to chris' canal boat, had G&T and veggie stir fry, then went to bed, after laughing at 'universal pox syndrome'.

i love lancaster so much! it beat prestons bottom. big time.

thank you guy faulks!'

i was worried about going with a couple. but luckily they weren't overly smoochy, and although i text jerry (like i knew that i would) i didn't feel as lonely as i thought i would. my heart didn't ache the way i was suspecting it might. ya.

instead of thinking 'it's okay because in the future i'll be with the perfect man and we'll have the perfect firework moment' (which is what i've thought many a time whilst watching fireworks) i did 'things i love about...ellie'. seeing as i do it for everyone else.

i'm not sure why i never thought to do it for me up unitl then.

some things i came up with:

i love...

the way she plays with words in her head.

her eyelashes.

her dress sense.

the way she says 'yes but, babe...' when she's trying to argue with herself.

the way she holds me when i cry.

her love of doodling.

the way she can't chuck out bus/train/plane/cinema/theatre/etc tickets.

how she listens.

her beliefs and how they're growing.

the fact that she's a librarian!!

and more...

i realised that i am actually a pretty damn nice person. and i can be me. alone.

i may find it difficult. but i can give myself hugs and tell myself what i want to hear. most of the time.

i also keep thinking about lancaster. it really is a nice place. i want to visit it some more, as it's on my list of possible places to live after uni.

gliiiiiiiiiiiiiide

2005-10-26T21:25:00.000Z

yesterday was spent avoiding doing any work.

this morning we were late for history of english yet again.

but this afternoon - we went iceskating! and andy would be so proud of me cause i actually glided! albeit very small, tentative glides, but glides all the same...i'm gonna try and get andy to blackburn!

and i did a third of tis weeks reading for one module, so i can sleep a little easier!

in 2 nights time rob will be here!

next weekend

2005-10-24T17:58:00.000Z

ROB'S COMING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i can't wait!

oh! and tonight's gonna be pretty good too...wallace and gromit!

aaaaaaaaand hannah's back...yeah - i came home from my lecture all excited to see her and found her asleep on the sofa! it feels homely again.

and rob's coming!

it's often said that films...

2005-10-23T20:00:00.000Z

the most dangerous kind of retail therapy is INTERNET retail therapy. no money in sight, not even the handing over of a card. just a move of the finger and it's done.

i've just bought:

- 'bare' by annie lennox - (i miss it terribly and feel horrid to the queen-of-heart-music to download it/)

- 'babe' - i keep getting the urge to have a childish snuggle up. i'll call it my replacement boyfriend. yeah. and it's almost christmas time (if you squint) which means it's 'babe' time.

- 'to wong foo thanks for everything julie newmar' - this is my movie that i know all the words to. i watch it when i need to switch my brain off for a time.

- 'eternal sunshine of the spotless mind' - one of my all time favourite films. i knew i was gonna buy it at some point, so why not now, whlist i'm on a roll? i heart kw.

- 'dear frankie' - i still haven't seen this film, even though it looks like it was made for me!! i can't wait!

- 'girl with a pearl earring' - the book was much better, but it's still beautifully done. and sj is damn sensual in it. not to mention that firth blokey... :)

- 'in america' - came in a package of 3 with 'dear frankie' and 'girl'. it does look really good though. it'll be good to watch it.

so...yeah...perhaps that was naughty, but i live by films. i need them. i think perhaps this has something to do with the fact that i didn't go to greenbank today...

hopefully seeing wallace and gromit soon...if i have the money!

xx

so held back

2005-10-23T16:00:00.000Z

today i have these lyircs :

'I wanna hold you
And be so held back'

stuck in my head. from 'wonderful' by annie lennox.

this seems significant. very me at this moment in time.

* i keep waking up on the right side of my bed. and it's not like my bed is sprawlingly big - it's a single! normally i sleep so spread-eagled so i don't understand it. it's like my body thinks there's someone else next to me. held back.

* it sucks having nothing to do and no one to do it with. held back.

held back. held back. i like the meanings.

suprises

2005-10-22T17:23:00.000Z

i want to suprise someone and i want someone to come and suprise me.

it'd be refreshing.

but there's no one to suprise and no one to come and suprise me.

ideal/grotesque normal/abnormal able-bodied/disabled ideal/grotesque balance

2005-10-21T22:31:00.000Z

need to write it out in full so i can read it properly -

'It just goes to show that you can be so close to the ideal as to seem perfect, yet still not be right. Life has curious ways of working. If every aspect of the self doesn't match up, then there are always going to be things that grate, only very,very lucky people have perfect relationships. I think our minds where just different ages at different times, and sometimes they matched, and those moments were beautiful, and we were very much in love and sometimes they didn't and we grated and fell out. The key is ballence. I still care about you, you know x'

seems like tonight we're the same age. this is what i miss.

when there's bleh comments and seeming arrogance then i don't.

but...tonight...

oh dear...

2005-10-18T23:04:00.000Z

more eating of marmite toast in bed whilst watching 'scrubs' has occured.

dodgy dealings

2005-10-18T21:46:00.000Z

so rob says he'll only send me the 2nd series of 'scrubs' when i've done all my work.

i attempt to do it.

i get a bit done, so text rob and ask whether, seeing as i've been very good and done *some* work, he might be able to send *some* of the series...

'Hmm i dunno i'll have to think about that ;) Rob'

so i said ':p'

--

need. 'scrubs'. fix.

moo.

it's true

2005-10-16T12:01:00.000Z

today i know even more that everything happens for the best of humnaity. and i know that paryers work.

i went to the party and, despite being kinda nervous at the start, i had a fab time! i was the only british person there! i met some really lovely people and i'm so happy to have met julio, cause he loves so much the same things as me. we spent a lot of time talking films - which was brilliant! though throughout the night i felt a bit mean talking to people cause it felt like they had to really concentrate to speak english, and i was worried i was tiring them out.

i drank far too much, and am still feeling the effects today. have tried to drink a lot, but then i feel ill! i haven't attmepted food yet, but am gonna have a bath and hope that works some magic.

woo! i'm gonna do a spirit dance to say thank you.

*squiggles*

a day by day account

2005-10-15T13:53:00.000Z

thursday night was spent going to see elavi in the uni's fashion show, then going back to katherines.

it's odd.

katherine kept saying how nice it was to have 'the group' back again, but...it didn't quite feel right. whenever i see them all individually i feel a real connection to all of them and i love them dearly, but when there was all four of us together i feel like i'm on the side. i kept saying things that went upheard. asking questions that went unanswered. and so...it felt strange. hopefully if we all meet up again it'll be a little different. and hopefully they'll all come to my house for a movie...eventually.

and last night was spent feeling very lonely and sorry for myself. i had training at work in the morning, but then i spent the afternoon watching 'scrubs' as opposed to doing any work, which is what i planned to do. matt called, which cheered me up, but apart from that not much helped to lift my mood. mum and dad rang from france, but i was on speaker phone, so that everyone could hear me, so i couldn't talk of real things. i called granny and grumpy up, but just got depressed at not being able to see them, and the fact that granny couldn't really talk. i tried doing some dancing, but that didn't help. i watched 'the simpsons', but that just switched me off for 20 minutes. i tried to do some work, but the words were too big for me. i went to bed, promising myself not to text rob, and i cried. i so wish i had someone here, apart from hannah, who really understood me and could be there for me 24/7. i have some people that are one, but not the other...

today i woke up, did a bit of reading for my next semantics lecture (which i love sooo much!). watched some more 'scrubs' whilst eating marmite toast. got a shower, and then wondered over here to the library. managed to get the net on my laptop (with only a bit of help from the help-desk-blokey)! and talked films with the woman down stairs.

luckily julio *did* remember to text me - so i may be off to a party tonight! even though i'll be going it alone if i do...eek! but hopefully it might get me out of the rut that i'm starting to slide into.

right now i'm gonna pop to oxfam to hand my application form back in, then head off home to get some lunch, and decide what to wear to this party. then i'll speak to matt and rob. and i should proberly do some work...hmmmm...

xx

mr elavis night

2005-10-12T16:23:00.000Z

elavis night was fantabulous!

we spent too long getting ready. then we walked, in the torrential rain, down. i had my silly shoes on, with jacquies insole type things. the insoles got soaked and the water started bubbling out from inbetween my toes. hannah and i found this hugely amusing, even though not a drop of alcohol had past our lips.

sodden, we arrived and quickly made it to the toilets. phew!

then we made our grand entrance. we spoke to OD for a while. i spoke to kats friend, laura. i spoke to a chinese woman. then we milled. shaked a bit. drank (very cheap spirits and cokes). kai danced on stage. he was good.

elavi came on about midnight and he was fantastic! having never heard him play i thought i may only love the music because it came from inside him, but it really does sound wonderful and the lyrics (from what i managed to hear!) were beautiful. but then elavi being the type of person that he is it makes sense that his music sounds so good. i think most people would like it.

i danced a bit, filmed a bit and looked adoringly at elavi a bit. one of my favourite bits was when he says 'there's ellie!'.

after the set hannah and i stayed on and wiggled some more. then we went to roeburn and drunkenly knocked on my old kitchen window. no one was there, which sucked, so we made our way to leighton. the after-party hadn't really started so we hung around until, eventually, people arrived. talked to many a drunkard and looked dirtily at the misoginistic pot-heads. eventually left...just in time. as we came out of the lift the police were just getting in to sort out the 'beat-box party'. i hope they got their weed out the way before the police had gone up those 4 floors.

i managed to borrow a spainish mans flip flops to walk home in, but it was not totally necessary as, walking up plungington, we saw karl the film guy drive by in the safety bus. a pointing hannah ('oh, look - there's the safety bus!') was enough to get him screeching to a halt and doing a U-turn to come pick us up. sweet!

got to bed about 4 and we were only 5 minutes late for our 9oc lecture.

got a text from elavi today; 'Hi ellie thanx 4 comin 2 my show thank hannah 4 me also. U look beautiful n amazin ur outfit was stunnin it was so cool 2 c u at da front. Miss havin u around. C u soon el x x x' which made me smile.

ta da!!

xx

weekend

2005-10-11T14:43:00.000Z

this weekend i have;

been upset that andy wasn't coming.

helped kat flyer for elavis thing.

spent way too much on my outfit for the night. (but i'll look so yum!...if i don't fall off the heels)

watched billy elliot. and cried.

watched julien donkey-boy (and felt weird) (and fallen in love with harmony korine, who i can now add to my 'gorgeous celebrity' list alongside louis theroux and demetri martin).

got telewest from a bloke from teignmouth.

got locked out. and helped back in by teignmouth man (who was an army blokey).

watched 'the awful truth' for the first time. MM rocks. the only problem was that he reminded me of someone from before.

talked to rob for three hours.

started on a rob project.

been happy and been sad.

an update by order of mr dale

2005-09-30T15:02:00.000Z

after being ordered to blog i feel it's time for an update.

scotland was fabulous! i stayed for longer than expected and, whilst in glasgow, i got to see some wonderful exhibitions. ones that made you emotional. i really think that it's best to go to art gallerys alone. i think you get a lot more out of them...

i got to see some grayson perry pots (which was very exciting) and there's an exhibition at the moment that was very powerful. rule of thumb.

anyways, we walked, made jam, watched movies and relaxed. then i came home.

last night hannah, jacquie and i went out. it was so good, because i got to know jacquie a little more. we arrived home pretty drunk (we've got freshers vouchers!) and played cards. the only down side was these middle-aged drunk men, who were the epitomy of gross. one bloke thought it was hilarious to walk around up with his trousers AND pants pulled down at the back. how loverly. especially with an arse like his. really.

why do men suck so much?

anyways...i then went to bed...and wanted a man...to be snuggly with. and then that sucked. but all was well this morning, once i'd sorted my problems (which have nothing to do with men) out. i had a shower at about 2 after eating, washing up, and nattering to matt on the phone for ages. and then i paid off my student loan and then came here to the library. we get broadband on the 8th of october and i can't wait! we also get a phone line with free evening and weekend calls. so i'll be calling all my people up constantly!!

my main worry at the moment is the fact that i have to decide between phonetics and semantics, because i can't do both with the shitty timetabling they've done.

oh! i also got my hair cut and it's all short...and if i do get snuggly with an unsucky man now - he can actually run his fingers through my hair! wow! that hasn't happened...ever....!

tomorrow our landlord is coming up north to sort out some problems (we hope) and hannah and i may go for cheap coffee (freshers vouchers again!). then i'm going to see downfall on sunday.

i think tonight might be my first night of being alone in the house, and if it is - i'm quite looking forward to it! louis theroux is on jonathon ross and so i can drool to my weak hearts content! aaaaaah! he'd never suck.

and i think that's most things up to date. i've missed out details like buying two very nice (very cheap) rings, spending £55 on clothes/makeup that i don't need, planning a collection pot (idea copyright: psychorob)in order to buy a very nice coat for £20, trying to organise a trip to skye (if i have the money) even if it ends up just being me, or me and rob, or...etc...

and probably lots of other detials besides...oh! like i'm hopefully visiting andy soon, and matt is now coming up in november, not october, but i'll still threaten him if he doesn't show up!

right! that's enough ellie. get off the damn site!

hope you're more than okay.

xx

travels up north

2005-09-21T14:49:00.000Z

so! am sort of settled in.

there are boxes in my room. the washing machine and cooker suck. there's damp. we don't know about the bins. you can see the neighbours showering...but! i feel more at home then i thought i would.

aaaaand...i'm off to scotland tomorrow at 7.18 in the morning! i'm catching a train to glasgow, grandpa will pick me up mid afternoon, and i'll stay with granny and him for two nights, then come back. so tomorrow morning i'll be about to go to the MOMA.

woot!

and yesterday i went to arnside with carolyn, which was brilliant. she's so lovely and i managed to pick up some old photos and postcards in this junk shop where we spent two hours. arnside is so slow and quiet and peaceful. it's beautiful. i can't wait to visit the lakes.

am not looking forward to starting lectures majorly, but we'll se how it goes...right now i'm just looking forward to my mini break!

xx

weakly strong. strongly weak.

2005-09-15T21:12:00.000Z

tonight my throat feels tight, my chest feels laden, and my face keeps forming a crying expression.

tonight i need a cuddle, yet i'm not going to have one for...who knows. a long time.

tonight is my last night here for a while.

and i'm not sure what lies ahead. i pray i feel completed by myself at some point soon.

knickers in a twist

2005-09-15T15:26:00.000Z

i was so unaware and sleepy this morning that i put my pants on the wrong way round.

this has amused me greatly. it's been the highlight of the afternoon. so...can you tell i'm bored?

had a facial, and said goodbye to matt. now i'm attempting to pack. it's not working, is it?

no.

pete 2

2005-09-14T12:46:00.000Z

Pete says:
you deserved a whole hell of a lot better
ellie >> Very bananas says:
yup

pete

2005-09-14T12:37:00.000Z

nearly 2 years after we split up i finally find out the reason.

on msn.

Pete says:
first year, I finally get rid of my glasses in the jamacian ocean
Pete says:
run into beth in psychology, start a conversation with her by pretending to have an interest in harry potter
Pete says:
have to go read all the books swiftly after said conversation
Pete says:
anyhoo, since she was friendly and I basically had never had any real interest from an attractive girl before it meant a lot, but I didn't know how to go about furthuring anything
Pete says:
year goes on, I get more attatched to beth, she remains oblivious, yadda yadda, I'm severely bummed when she moves schools in second year, I spend summer moping about what could have been etc
Pete says:
that's first year
Pete says:
not conveyed particularly well, but you get the vague idea
ellie >> Very bananas says:
yeah. i like how you're explaining it. makes sense in my head.
ellie >> Very bananas says:
carry on...
Pete says:
eeh. this is a lot of work
Pete says:
anyhoo
ellie >> Very bananas says:
you owe it to me to explain, i think.
Pete says:
second year, I start off moping about but I eventually put it off as a lost cause and carry on with my existence
Pete says:
after that, all the interesting stuff you were involved with, anyway
Pete says:
on to third year
ellie >> Very bananas says:
great
Pete says:
coming in randomly I hear beth talking behind me, am very surprised to see her, yadda yadda talk to her
Pete says:
during third year have nothing to do during the day so I end up spending lunchtimes with beth and her mates
Pete says:
eventually repressed feelings start coming back, wondering what if and seeing it as possibly an opportunity to finally fulifil old desires
Pete says:
this is where it kinda falls down, because I haven't made clear quite how enamoured I was with her in the first year, completely independantly of her, really, since I wanted it so badly
Pete says:
anyways, I was in a relationship with yourself, so I didn't know what to do. Growing confusion/split attention causes relationship to get fucked up
Pete says:
because I am screwing us up relationship becomes less attractive and taking the chance with beth becomes less of a loss
Pete says:
I guess it's cheating mentally
Pete says:
I decide I don't want to even broach the idea with her while in another relationship, so I end our relationship messily
Pete says:
wander around in a daze for a while
Pete says:
eventually ask beth out on a whim, get turned down flat and retire to my broom closet for the rest of the year
Pete says:
that's pretty much the whole story

great. just when you think you've got over someone and you're willing to see them as a friend they make you feel like shit all over again.

aren't men fantasitc?

it's actually being nice

2005-09-14T10:21:00.000Z

got to bed really late. and this morning when i woke up i thought 'i don't want to have to face this day'. i felt i had to hide the fact that there was a rob in my bed from my parents, even though all his stuff was in the hallway. it just seems weird from an outsiders point of view and i can't be bothered with questions.

so, i had the quickest shower *ever*. and caught the bus in. and that's when the day started being very nice to me. theresa was on the bus! so i got to say a good good-bye to her and have a mini catch-up.

then when i got to the dentist there was no waiting around in the waiting room whilst butterflies and all manner of unknown insects infested my stomach. nope. i was straight in and after injecting my mouth with cocaine my dentist talked to me and we had a nice conversation about the pain-killing aspects of cocaine.

i then went off to the bank, where i found out that my applicationa were nowhere near complete. they're in a pile of 200, or something. but i was happy talking to the bloke, who made the bank seem friendly. he went to everyone school and was at warehouse the other day when we were there. he said he thought he recognised me. i reckon he's just seen me in the bank.

and then rob text to say he's coming here at 1! and matt rang me back to say he's coming round tomorrow morning. now all i need is to meet with just dale and i'll feel about ready to go.

especially with this laptop and some lovely boosh.

nice ellie, nice.

how interesting...

flowers

2005-09-09T13:38:00.000Z

found this wendy cope poem:

"Some men never think of it.
You did. You'd come along
And say you'd nearly brought me flowers
But something had gone wrong.

The shop was closed. Or you had doubts -
The sort that minds like ours
Dream up incessantly. You thought
I might not want your flowers.

It made me smile and hug you then.
Now I can only smile.
But look, the flowers you nearly brought
Have lasted all this while."

and my reaction was this:

"i'd have wanted the flowers!"

but that got me thinking about flowers. in the past i normally got tactical flowers. i'd say i wanted them and therefore i'd get them. not so special. the best flowers i ever got were:

- the bunch of tulips from matts mum to say thank you for helping with the move. these were the first ones i ever got, and though i was slightly saddened that they weren't from him they were still very special.

- the dozens roses waiting for me at home on valentines day. our phoning system buggered up. and mum thought perhaps they were for her. but still - he thought of them mainly by hiself and so i was suitably impressed. i pressed one of the flowers and then sent it in a card to a friend.

- the string of daisys.

tee.

dolls

2005-09-08T17:29:00.000Z

the first call i got today was from the SU job agency. i've set up a meeting for when i get back to sort out all my details. it looks like a start work again on october 3rd.

i then got a whole load of missed calls from aurimas. and a text; 'Hey ELIE;-) come out come out where ever you are!'. so i called him. and he's back in britain (thank heavens - imagine the bill if he wasn't...).

both these calls made me realise that i am def going back, very soon. it's starting to shift my brain back to preston mode, even though my brain's fighting to stay in warm, red, exeter mode.

OD asked how my summer had been and i said 'okay, sort of'...what i meant was the first bit was good, the second a bit crap and now...the third...is fabulous. and i don't want to be ripped away.

my hope for this next year in preston is to feel less like i'm on the outside looking in and more like i'm on the inside not thinking about where i'm looking. the scene in 'the edukators' where she's talking about playing dolls sorta sums up how i felt last year.

on brighter notes - rob may be coming round for a cuppa (and i got this text, which made me smile; 'Wow today is really slow without a 2hour lunch break ;) oh well when i'm finished i can have clean clothes and a cuppa with my favourite Ellie :) Rob') and i got a nice card from jane thanking me for my work at oxfam over the summer. that was nice.

xx

the edukators

2005-09-07T21:54:00.000Z

just been to see 'the edukators'. it's funny, smart, beautiful, eloquent, and realistic through the absurdity. warts and all. and i've fallen in love with julia jentsch.

the only bad thing was that, at times, it made me feel kinda uncomfortable. this was probably vaguely intentional. but was made worse by events and feelings i have had/am having. for this reason i couldn't put it anywhere near amelie on my favourites list, but it's certainly up with eternal, angelas ashes etc etc!!

the ending also made me feel sad. though the image behind the credits adds that hope that i was searching for. :)

see it.

xx

unemployment in the male of the species

2005-09-07T17:22:00.000Z

i've realised a pattern that emerged with all my ex-boyfriends.

they were all, basically, unemployed. we'd start going out. everything would be hunky-dory. they'd eventually get a job. and a short while later - boosh! we'd split up.

that's got me thinking...if there are any unemployed bums out there,,,you know...give me a bell sometime!! ;)

p.s: 13 lucky rob days!

tingles and testgum

2005-09-05T17:18:00.000Z

it was like that explosive moment when sexual tension has gotten just too much and you can't stand it any longer and you end up having *the* most fabulous sex.

except it wasn't to do with sex at all, really. it was cuddling. and it was glorious! yesterday i thought my skin was going to orgasm.

(i had a good weekend despite the headache! did you?)

i've seen rob every day for 11 days running now. eep!

and dad and i had a wonderous walk on dartmoor. i missed it so! i feel so fresh after walking.

and to top it all i got the best package *ever* in the post today! it's from carolyn and it's so me!

xx

p.s: my period's missing a mooncup.

a burble that starts coherently...

2005-08-31T20:33:00.000Z

had a fab day today. met A, R and C for lunch. then spent the afternoon with andy and min. only a couple of weirdos in the shop today...

subway-ed with andy...and got extra fillings because xae was serving us! booyeah!

tonight i've been messaging people i should have messaged days ago...and looking up synesthesia.

i'm getting worried about heading back up north, because the base that has been keeping me afloat since jerry will no longer be beneath me. i'll have a smaller, more feminine, base which i'm worried i'll crush.

so far (ignoring last friday night) it's been okay without jerry. i was numb for a while, but i'm getting out of that...i've got company here and a sort of physicality. the main thing i miss is being held and holding...which is something i've got to be very aware of, and very alert too, because i don't want to mess things up.

i want to stay single and feel i don't need a man to be full. but at this point in time the thought of no manly contact whilst in preston is a scary one.

as you can see the shapes and colours are beginning to become words, but they're probably not too clear...i need a talk...then i can sort things out. i feel pushy and slightly mean. i'm only thinking of myself. arg.

comment

2005-08-31T09:49:00.000Z

well, that was a fun second part weekend! though what with pedaloing, walking, cycling, rushing about, lazyng about, not sleeping, sleeping too much and eating; i'm zonked.

there is loads i want to write, but i can't.

the reason i can't is because when my brain is trying to work things out it puts the thoughts first into picture/colour/shape/feeling form, rather than word form...and as of yet i have no words to explain my mind. maybe when it gets round to processing the words i may put them down here.

mooning

2005-08-25T14:02:00.000Z

soon i shall be a mooncupper!

praise!

no more bloody towels. no more tampon rape. no more hoping that the binless public toilets' drainage system is up to scratch whilst apologising to God and the world for being so unfriendly. no more scurrying to the corner shop with toilet tissue making you waddle like a toddler. no more giving of hard-earned cash to companies who probably don't deserve it.

praise the mooncup!

...

though really i'd prefer it if i just got to sit on a glorified bucket and have cucumber sandwiches presented to me (followed by coffee and chocolate cake) for that 1 week.

singleton

2005-08-23T13:30:00.000Z

so, i must have a sign across my head which reads: 'single, 20 and almost virginal*'.

i go for a pub lunch with dad, which is lovely. but as i'm walking to the quay i am approaching this shaded, bearded man who shouts 'phil' to a guy who's just walked past me.

as i come up to bearded man he says 'excuse me, but that gorgeous, handsome bloke over there put his thumbs up at you'...i turn around to see him.

cue phil: shaded, and clad in baseball cap and white vest. as with the 'you're sexy' bloke i have no idea what to say.

'oh'.

i then start walking off. bearded man makes one last go: 'he has money'.
me: 'ah, i don't really care for that.'
beard man: 'you don't?!'

* side note on my bottom: 'compared with the average 16 year old from tiverton'

few/new aspirations

2005-08-22T16:51:00.000Z

today i have done bugger all.

it's been wonderful!

i got dragged my duvet to the sofa where i watched 'shall we dance?'. there was old-ellie, wanting to merely possess the ability to rollerskate, but ginger rogers has made new-ellie aspire to being able to dance on them! oooh...the bruises...

i then made some vegetable soup, which for some reason tastes very sweet. i mopped the floor, made a card and did the washing up.

aaaaaah! this is the life!

though i can't wait for wednesday when i'm meeting rob for lunch, and then dale to sort out edinburgh.

rooarg. it's now time to plonk my potatoe-bottom on the sofa once again to watch the simpsons. again.

21 things i want in a lover

2005-08-21T14:37:00.000Z

was listening to alanis this morning and realised that this is my song of the times:

"Do you derive joy when someone else succeeds?
Do you not play dirty when engaged in competition?
Do you have a big intellectual capacity but know
That it alone does not equate wisdom?
Do you see everything as an illusion?
But enjoy it even though you are not of it?
Are you both masculine and feminine? politically aware?
And don't believe in capital punishment?

These are 21 things that I want in a lover
Not necessarily needs but qualities that I prefer

Do you derive joy from diving in and seeing that
Loving someone can actually feel like freedom? are you funny?
la self-deprecating? like adventure? and have many formed opinions?

These are 21 things that I want in a lover
Not necessarily needs but qualities that I prefer
I figure I can describe it since I have a choice in the matter
These are 21 things I choose to choose in a lover

I'm in no hurry I could wait forever
I'm in no rush cuz I like being solo
There are no worries and certainly no pressure in the meantime
I'll live like there's no tomorrow

Are you uninhibited in bed? more than three times a week?
Up for being experimental? are you athletic?
Are you thriving in a job that helps your brother? are you not addicted?
...curious and communicative..."

she's good, she is.

met sam and alice last night, which was really good. though when we got to timepiece sam asked me if i was alright and having said yes she asked again...i then explained about a few things (jerry, grandparents being ill...etc) and told her about how i feel i should be sad, but i'm not. obviously she can see deeper inside me than most people, even myself, as she apologised for bringing it up, but said she just felt it. she's right.

i also saw andy, claire, dale, helen and craig (yes, that's his name.) for a bit and caught a taxi home with claire and a very lovely drunk woman.

today i have mostly been lying around, reading, day dreaming, epilating, moaning and then shaving.

matt's ill. boo.

the cream (with jam) house

2005-08-20T09:11:00.000Z

oh! so.

last night was lots of spontanious, tiring fun! after signing for their house M and R came over for some nice british tea. they then had the idea of going back to their new house (which at the time was sans furniture), so we got a lift over with the new ironing board mum bought (£1.50 at auction and now a nice bit of apparatus for the housey) and wow! it's a wonderful house! it's 3 tiered. and so is the garden. matts room has the best curtains and robs has the best window. we slid around on the laminate flooring like 5 year olds, played an adapted version of 'articulate' and ordered (very expensive) pizza.

after some very nice (i *do* know other adjectives) times we decided to head off...to robs...via the park. and woo! that park rocks! i'd perhaps prefer it in the day and when i didn't have *the* best new shoes on, but still... (oh and, yes, my new shoes are very comfy, thank you). being at robs was nice, as usual. i can't remember much except rob making us all tea and matt playing with the whats-it-called. what did we do?!

matt and i eventually walked home in the early hours (probably for the last time ever), we had a long chit chat, continuing on a park bench, before departing. he asked me if i'd come to his mums wedding with him, which would be fab, but it's the day of my party so i'm unsure what to do... he also asked me about a certain person, told me about his grandad and his 'sorry tail/tale' pun that he made at a very young age, lamented his love life (don't we all?) and informed me that when i wake up i make 'contented noises'...huh?!

anyways, hopefully today i'm going to be able to get my precious broach back from jerry, who i now just feel affectionately neutral about. i hope he's enjoying himself and i think he'll be much better off without an ellie.

good morning!

dress me!

2005-08-19T15:34:00.000Z

call it retail therapy for a singleton. call it whatever you will, but today i spent over £60. mainly on clothes for myself. i truly am a clothes whore. a pair of shoes. a skirt. a dress. *droooooooool*

had a loverly luncheon with matt, rob and mum at cafe boulevard. and had a good time at the auction place. i didn't get the things i wanted, but i did get chatted up by a bloke! if he'd been more sober, 10 years younger and had better chat up lines than 'i'm actually just trying to chat you up.......you're sexy..." then i may have given the drinks offer a whirl. in reality though; 'thank god for robs' is all i can say!

matt and rob have signed the contract for their house, which has made me almost as excited as i was when i myself signed the contract for the blue owl. i can't wait for next weekend!

i'm meeting sam and alice tomorrow for drinks in town, which will be lovely. hopefully i'll get to hear all about sams escapades in canada!

so where are you going this summer? EXWICK!

2005-08-18T17:42:00.000Z

there have been a few things today that have rocked my fairly consistent contentment. firstly a certain Miss Prudence Periwinkle decide to kidnap and kill a baby bird and unfortunately mum and i both became eye-witnesses to the crime. a few swear words chucked at the cat though and i felt a little better. i just hope the mummy bird will do too, in time.

the other thing that knocked me slightly was having to meet J to give him his tent back. i think it's a defence mechanism, but i feel constantly pissed off by him. like why is he spending money on stuff when he owes me money and when i need that money? and it also hurt when he said 'do you want to see a picture of me with my hair in bunches?' because he never let me put it up. goes to show you what being in a relationship does to you. sucks all that good spontinaity and wanting to impress out of you.

on the plus side though mum and i found it awfully funny when we eventually discovered what had been making the car smell like a green grocers green bin - courgettes in the hidden boot. and i was also impressed to find that in the 1977 edition of the guiness book of world records, under the record for the worst driving, the word 'male' if reference to the winner (?!) is in italics. bwahaha!

also on my way home from work i got into one of those eye-contact-smiley type things with a bloke walking past. and HE started it. it would have been better if his long hair had been dark and his bright blue eye a nice deep brown, but still... :D

aaaaaaaand i'm getting very excited/nervous about the auction tomorrow. there is one thing that i want more than anything else right now. uh! it's so good and i'd cherish it (or them) and love them dearly with all my heart. i could even make a museum. a museum of family portraits. i'm praying that i'm going to get this slice of physical history. if not i'll be mortified, but i'll hopefully have had a good day...

furthermore this is robs reply to my (what seemed like endless) list of what-we're-doing-when:

"Yes I can do lunch next Wednesday, My College lecturer used to rave about the Dinosaur Café even though I have never been there, that sounds like a good place to go :)

By next Friday I assume you mean the 26th in which case I'm sure we can get everyone together for that it takes me about 5-10mins to get down from the Uni so that's fine and there won't be anyone else in my office then so I should be able to blag a little longer ;)

Now Pedaloing, Bank Holiday sounds like a good idea if we can get everyone organized and bring over sleeping stuff to me & matt's house we can make a weekend of it and go to the imperial (I'm going down there tonight so I'll write down what the films are) and then go pedaloing one morning all we gotta do is walk along the river and we're down on the quay :)

So we should see Matt for the majority of the weekend when he's not working but he may well be working on Bank Holiday, I know I would back at Makro they gave you double pay for working then. But I will ask him about it of course."

wow! it'll be like a holiday!

i love the way he always finishes with a smile. :)

daggnabbit

2005-08-18T10:19:00.000Z

uh!! johnny depp is to cum for!

and on the note of good feelings - i've got some fab stuff planned which makes my brain feel similar to...well...other parts of my body.

see what being single does to a woman?!

i'm turning into those people that don't fit right with me. aaaaaarg!

anyways.

charlie and the chocolate factory was enchanting and exciting and fabulous! and, as always, it was nice to talk to people over a drink. even if andy's smoke made my sore throat worse it was nice to see him too!

and dale and i are on our way to booking edinburgh! i really can't wait. edinburgh is sort of like paris to me (minus an amelie) in that i idolise it. can you idolise a city? or is there another word for it?

i also got a text from kat asking when i was back, which made it more real that i *will* in fact be returning to preston and i *do* have to think about what i want out of life. soon.

i wish i had a set of friends in preston like i do here, but i guess i've only been in preston for about 9 months, whereas i've been in exeter for years. and the friends i *have* made in preston are absolutly wonderful!

am off to see what's for auction tomorrow (mum and i are having a female friday, and we may be going to bid on some stuff, after i watched too much bargain hunt with GT&S). if there's nothing worth bidding on we may go to bristol, or the beach...

il giardino

2005-08-17T09:25:00.000Z

i just read *the* best poem! it made me laugh.

today feels like a good'un. and yesterday was a good'un too. i went to a fancy resturant (for dads birthday) wearing a mini-skirt, fish-nets and heels. oh! it felt fab! i got looks walking down the street from the middle-aged toffs with cucumbers stuffed up their arses and that made me feel good and slightly relieved, because i'm determined not to turn into them. i always worry i *am* one of them...at the tender age of 20.

i believe mum and dad enjoyed themselves too, so that's good.

early morning ponderings

2005-08-16T10:48:00.000Z

why can't men be more like houses or prom dresses?! you may spend ages looking for the ultimately perfect one, but when you find it you just *know* it is *the* one.

maybe i just need to live a little before i meet the chap. but i hope he does turn out to be like my blue owl house.

what's the worst possible outcome?!

2005-08-15T11:32:00.000Z

i've got so much to look forward to:

oxfaming today, then dale is coming round (or am i going to his? i'd better check my texts...) for some tea (of the earl kind).

tomorrow is dads birthday. i'll have to make a card tonight. we may be going to topsham for a meal. if so it'll probably be just chips for me. topsham is made of fish,

on wednesday we're orange wednesdaying (after oxfaming with min). willy wonka, willy wonka etc. oh yeah!

and various others.

i feel more than content at this moment in time. i've felt this for a couple of days now, which suprises me immensely. i keep waiting for the tumble.

also i've achieved two things in my bid to overcome my meat obsession (before i have these ever-illusionary kids). i cut a pork sausage for granny (though i only touched the packaging, and not the actual meat) and i ate a piece of cucumber that was on petes burgery plate. it feels stupid admitting this, but i'm really proud of myself for doing this. so pat on the back to myself.

ow.

it's the robbas account

2005-08-14T16:54:00.000Z

well, as rob is a far more regular blogger than i am, and seeing as he talks about things he's actually done, here is a muchly abridged extract from his blog about our day yesterday and this morning:

"What A wonderful yesturday...Almost everyone was there when I got to the Train Station which was good to see especially since Pete had actually made it, only one person Ellie who annoced her presence with a bottom pinch *giggle* then it was off on the train...to Plymouth...we decide to go and eat...in the little cafe above the indoor market.

Once we got on the ice it was amazing to see Andy skating with the confidence that he has about everything he does. I expect it was useful to Dale, Ellie and Pete that me and Andy new what we where doing as normal with beginers there was alot of holding onto the sides and a couple of tumbles even one by Andy but amazingly I didn't fall down the whole time I was there and there was no decapitations from wondering ice skates.

By the end of it all everyone was doing very well with Ellie only holding to the sides every now and then aswell as the others doing very well by themselves. Then it was off to the train station with a quick stop in town to waste a bit of time till the train comes and pick up some party essentials like chocolate and wine :)

...we got back home around 7ish...we had gained a Matthew...we walked up the grass to the bench at the top. As always there was an amazing view to behold and the sun lit up the edge's of the clouds it was buetiful and I didn't want my friends to miss it even if there is a sunset everyday not one of them will be the same. We stood on the bench trying to think of songs to sing and singing them till it grew darker when we decided to head down the hill we took full advantage of the newly installed 'kissing gate' which then started us on a bit of a youth trip as someone suggested we played Kiss chase but when that wasn't very popular I started a game of Sticky Glue but we soon tired out and decided to head back home.

Where we finally had the BBQ...it was nice to have it under the stars where it was nice and cool ...I put on a bit of Family Guy to start with so after that Dale came up with the fantastical suggestion of The Italian Job the original of course...

Matt started off the inside activity of throwing an inflatable ball around...i decided to put a little music on...it suddenly occured to me why DJ with the radio when I've got a box of vinyl upstairs so I qued up some great tracks while Matt kept playing and Ellie was falling asleap on the sofa.

Dale was the first to leave then when Matt tried to get Ellie together to walk home she was too tierd to walk so she was offered a place to sleep here for the night...we went to bed around 3:30am I hadn't slept with somebody in my bed for a long while so I did wake up a few times but it was nice to have a chat about anything when we woke up at 11:30am we talked for quite awhile since we only actually got out of bed at 1pm to have some breakfast.

So I must say that, that was one of funnest days I've had in a long time..."

twas! it was a fantastic day, and definitely worth the leg ache. it was also nice last night and this morning a) to sleep next to someone in a way that required nothing else and b) to talk to rob in more depth.

coming back from robs i walked along the quay. it's a beautifully sunny day today and all the pedalos were out. hopefully we'll all go for a pedalo soon.

apologies and thanks to rob for saving my fingers some typing. ;)

NOT TO BE READ IF YOU HAVE THE INTIALS JHC AND YOU ONCE LOVED ESH

2005-08-06T18:21:00.000Z

"look mummy, that cyclist is crying"

so jerry and me are finally no longer. i guess this is good as it means we can get on with our lives yadda yadda. but what is it with ex boyfriends saying stuff like "i hope that you can love again"?

perhaps mine was a defence mechanism too. perhaps i wanted you near when i needed you the most.

scotland tomorrow.

"aw, you seemed quite hopeful"

jem. my jem.

2005-08-04T08:52:00.000Z

so, i've had a lot on. and this blog, which at the best of times could be said to be a little on the neglected side, has been very...neglected. (see the amazing brain powers of the linguistic student once again...)

i stopped the thing with jerry and i that was meant to be a relationship. in reality it was more an occassional bit of fun and laughs, some love making and just getting on with it. routine. boring. stupid. too much.

god, that sounds harsh.

anyways, after a week, it turns out that it doesn't feel right without him. he's gorgeous. so, as defined by our agreed post-split-up-meeting plan, i catch the midday train to exmouth and the day ends with us getting (in the words of danny zuko)'friendly, down in the sand'. not the ideal for a post-split-up-meeting.

it wasn't just that though. we know we can be good for each other. so we've decided to relax a little. see how things go. i'm not telling anyone because i don't want pressure on us. i just want to have fun with him. cause that's the point isn't it?

he's my sunshine.

skating

2005-06-11T14:30:00.000Z

yesterday i went bravely went where no other ellie has gone before.

into the lane.

on skates.

tracy chapmans *for my lover, for my lover* rings in my head at this point. but if the truth be known it was more for my own...erm...enjoyment...??!

anyways, being an ellie, naturally i fell on my bottom. well, actually, that wouldn't have been so bad because, as you might know, i'm not short of cushioning in that area. what i actually did was put my hand out to stop myself and i jam jarred it. (*that* was for my lover. to make him laugh...). d'oh!

i'm in the war. *the* war. and i'm moaning a lot about it. *moan* *moan*. i don't think i'm allowed to carry on moaning to anyone here, so i shall continue on my blog. *moan*

that sure does feel good to let it all out.

anyways, talking of bottoms. i am one. i've done nothing except get up late, go to bed late, epilate and eat jam. for 3 weeks!

i suck.

my birthday

2005-05-22T22:12:00.000Z

have had a brilliant time. last night was drunkenly spectacular. or is that spectacularly drunk? got loads of hugs and kisses. was spun around, and had OD announcing through the mic that it was my birthday.

today i've been lazy. opened presents. didn't realised i'd be getting so many! played with my new (toy) rat ('for this you will need great responsibility' - OD), sat down eating chocolates (courtesy of neo), cuddling my new teddy (roebear) and watching the special features for shrek 1 and 2 (courtesy of kat and elavi). then hannah came round with a big sunflower in a pot and another big hug.

finally got out of my pjs at about 5, then han and i went to see the reduced shakespeare company perform the complete works of shakespeare (abridged). we laughed lots.

mum is off to scotlnd next weekend, so i'm not going to see her when i get back. one of my birthday cards is from australia - 'you are very lucky to have such grandparents - so diverse in their interests and pleasures and so sure and strong in their love of you. it is a treasure you can cherish to your heart long after they are gone'.

this made me cry.

notes that made me smile - 'thank you for being a really good friend, i'll miss you over the summer! have fun!' - kat

'i hope this present brings you as much joy as living with you has to me' - elavi

'to my ellie i wish you the best birthday ever and may all your wishes come true' - neo

'ellie you are that girl who always brings a liitle love 2 every situation and we all love you' - elavi

'wishing a lovely birthday for a lovely young woman' - gill

'i thought the yellow would go well with the blue....but you have to keep it alive until then!!' - hannah (about our blue house and the sunflower she gave me)

'have a rave-up party!' - gran

it's been an emotional, but good, day!

think i need some thinking time now. off to bed.

the plan

2005-05-19T17:45:00.000Z

just to keep my head screwed on (how disgusting would it be if i didn't...) and to let jerry know the plans so that we're not elastic. here is the plan:

tomorrow (friday) - work. send sam birthday present. blackpool. ferris wheel. waffles. back home. tiggis. meal. wine. (veggie wine.)

saturday - get hair cut. meet 'landlord man' martin. gets keys to neeeew bluuuuue owl house. get ready. go to the alternative summer ball. eat. drink. be merry. shout 'it's my birthday' when the clock strikes 12. don't lose any shoes.

sunday - wake up at 6.45am. shout 'it's my birthday!' when the clock strikes 7. do movie star poses to an imaginary church clock. go back to sleep. open cards and presents. (have already got one card!). possibly go to greenbank. go to see the reduced shakespeare company.

monday - work. read. meet hannahs mum and tony.

tuesday - work. catch train to silverdale. walk to arnside. enjoy the water. try not to get all emotional. catch train back to preston.

wednesday - work. meet carolyn. drink wine. (veggie wine.) get ready. go out. shout 'it's katherines birthday!' when the clock strikes 12.

thursday - don't shout 'it's katherines birthday!' when the clock strikes 7. work. start to possibly, maybe think about packing. start packing. give katherine her present. have quiet times. enjoy being in roeburn.

friday - work. pack. dad arrives!! take stuff over to blue-owl-house. enjoy being with daddy.

saturday - say goodbye. leave roeburn forever. leave preston until next september.

sunday - meet dale. watch 'a very long engagement' at exeter uni. scoff.

itchy, itchy, scratchy, scratchy, oh - i got one on my backy...

2005-05-19T17:24:00.000Z

my armpits itch.

stupid.

2005-05-19T01:41:00.000Z

two odd signs of late -

after hannah and i had seen 'chicken tikka masala' last night (with me shouting 'i work there!' and 'five pound fine!' at the screen) we wandered around the outside of the church i see every single day from our kitchen window. the sign reads 'sunday mass - saturday 11am til noon'. wtf?!

and today i popped into town and passed that horrible christian bookshop. the one with the isn't-george-bush-a-saint type books. anyways, the sign on the door says that there is a ramp for wheelchair users - 'ask inside'. so, you know, you'll be wheeling along in your wheelchair. pop into the shop 'excuse me, could you put the ramp up so i can pop into your fine shop'...'thanks'. people are so crack.

i'm growing my armpit hair out, but am trying to get rid of my leg hair.

done!

hospitals and healing

2005-05-16T22:26:00.000Z

sat in the hospital waiting for hannah today. odd places. everyone there is hoping for something positive. a positive outcome. yet they feel so grey.

i sat reading 'healing with music and colour' by mary bassano. "the ancient civilisations of india and china were also aware of the therapeutic value of color and music. Rather than having hospitals as we have today, they had temples that sevred as resting spiritually energizing places where these healing techniques were applied." thought this was interesting as i sat looking at all the people waiting to be seen.

before we left for the appointment we listened to some 'green' music. calming.

we both agree that "sound is audible color and color is visible sound".

i wanna...

2005-05-13T23:10:00.000Z

my new obsession - the grandaddy 'nature anthem' video.

(incorporating 1 out of 4 of...)

my continuing obsessions - owls, goats, berry blast jaffa cakes and swinging.

highlights of today include photocopying, talking, getting a third pair of (black)george flip flops, drinking iced mocha, laughing, see sawing, swinging, filming, passing my grammar test (62%!!), drinking water in the pub, and talking some more (about goats).

yet again i feel overly thankful for having katherine and hannah in my life. they're giiiiiiiirls, but oddly they don't have germs, and they don't seem to think i do either...

sunny

2005-05-12T22:05:00.000Z

today has felt sunny! and the fact that it's felt sunny has felt...amazing!

i got into work later than planned (again with the originality...), got some funky books out...then headed off into town.

60 vegetarian evening primrose oil tablets-100g of dried cranberries-one more pair of (pink) £2 george flip flops-36 single use waxing strips-1 bottle of perfume (excuse: it's my birthday soon)-1 chakra set and a load of groceries from aldi, later i arrived back. sat in ODs room watching his 'queens day in amsterdam' footage. mooched. ate takeaway outside. got cold. mooched. laid outside with katherine on a quickly made sleeping bag bed and watched the sky. got looked at by all the people off out.

it's been a really nice day. and now i'm zonked. it funny how having fun tires you out.

i smelt funny, but now i smell gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooood!

scar face claw

2005-05-07T00:03:00.000Z

8th of october 2005 - the blue-owl-house house warming party. WOOT WOOT!

2 pieces of work handed in today. got 3 exams and one more deadline then i'mno longer a fresher at uni. bollocks. i liked the idea of being fresh.

anyways, met hannah and went to source. had to shout because the music was being played at a volume meant for dancers, not conversationalists. no one was dancing.

eventually some odd jerky blokes started to dance. then these two girls who had the effect of making all the men cross their legs. it was fun to watch. in fact - i almost crossed MY legs.

saw neo and i drank most of his JD and coke. oh! that's right! i tried JD and hot chocolate. it's strange, nice, but not as good as baileys and hot chocolate.

dale left. now it feels odd.

it's been a long, hard day. but tomorrow i get a lie in until 10! aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah...then i have to do some more work and get on with revision. i also plan to buy more leg waxing strips so i can travel home in a skirt and flash my unhairy legs to unsuspecting cars. i don't think before last week my legs had seen the light of an unhairy day for...months? years? my legs generally like being hairy.

did you know that the hairy hand seems to be a southwest thing?!

april

2005-05-02T13:54:00.000Z

went outside to eat breakfast. with jumper on it was warm enough. a drop of rain on katherines neck makes us wander inside. by the time we reach the kitchen it's dipping it down out there. we hope for a rumble of thunder, but only get the rumble of a train. we hope for more rain, but it dies down.

figure it's a sign from god that we should be getting on with our work.

procrastinate by writing in blog and watching natalie merchant videos.

i'm such a model student.

knock, knock.

2005-05-01T00:05:00.000Z

did about ten minutes worth of work. clap on the back. really.

best news of the day: dale is coming to visit in the week!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! the fact that i have a million deadlines is now irrelevant! but he'll be off looking at northern unis so i should get time to do my work.

i have to try and persuade him that manchester uni will be so much more fulfilling for him than exeter!

kat and i were persuaded by elavi to go and see this multimedia art show, which one of his lecturers was a part of. it was basically blokes sat in front of a huge screen which showed different computerised shapes and video footage with accompanying sounds that made you feel like you were on the verge of orgasm, but then let down at the last second. i yawned too much, and we left early.

so is life.

TGIF

2005-04-30T00:56:00.000Z

BSL module work - TICK!

grammar test - horribly, awfully failed. i've never failed before.

day in general - up and down.

had a nice girly evening watching the sickening, but oh-so-good-on-the-day-you-failed-your-grammar-test, movie - 'princess diaries 2'. they get MATTRESSES and RIDE them! it gave me bad ideas.

didn't really get to see hannah, but she text me: "Hey, didn't really say hello today so hello xxx". she's so me! she even texts in the same style i do!

i may not have made a whole heap of friends here at uni, but the ones i have made are damn good ones. i think that's just my way. i'll probably always be like that. even if there's a raving loony inside me who's interested in everyone and wants to hug them all - i'll always be too reserved to have that whole heap.

i'm more of a tiny pile girl myself.

all hail the ellie-thursday

2005-04-28T23:46:00.000Z

nothing much happens on ellie-thursdays.

i slept in late, after waking up early to wake OD up early. i went to lunch with amy, who's a dahling! i came back to find OD before he scuttled off to amsterdam. damn! he'd already scuttled off. pot head.

i went to work. C had her makeup applied gorgeously. i came back. wrote 65 words of an assignment. listened to katherine. ate. walked to the corner shop with katherine. filmed. ate berry jaffa cakes (*droooooooooooooooooooooooooooool*). did some more work. filmed. drank tea. filmed.

my life would make such an interesting *ahem* movie.

now i'm tying plastic around my leg and planning what to wear to the alternative summer ball (we can wear faery wings!). i think i'm gonna go with the plastic...

exam tomorrow. revision? pah! i'm faaaaaaaaaaaaaaar to clever for all that crap.

(i'm gonna fail.)

moo.

nothing much happens on ellie-thursdays.

work?

2005-04-28T01:06:00.000Z

katherine and i made kisses for the doors. we then went out and drank cocktails and attempted to dance. but the music wasn't right. we got pizza, came back and filmed roeburn.

we have funky feet. bejewelled, varnished, and enclosed in £2 flip flops from george.

katherine makes my day!

and hannah and i should be seeing the vagina monologues on saturday!

all good. only problem now is; at university they seem to expect you to do this thing called 'work'. it's difficult. especially when you're an unmotivated, self involved, lethargic, hungry 'student'.

bleugh!!

2005-04-21T02:18:00.000Z

dinner at the adelphi.

the SU was closed. bummed.

went to club which satisfied the twelve year old within me by playing mmmbop!

went to another club which satisfied the nature lover in me by having butterfly shaped lighting.

went to the ritz. my feet hurt and i drank too much.

i was meant to be doing work tonight!

oh! i got to do lighting for elavis performance. it was classy!

todays bed time rhyme

2005-04-19T23:56:00.000Z

"Bed time, now to rhyme. I think about you, all the time. Watching a movie on tv laking of [making me?] feel sleepy. Hope that you are warming. Happy dreams till the morning. I love you as much as I possibly can. I want to always be your man."

ha!! my baby's the bestest!

coming back from home

2005-04-10T11:04:00.000Z

home is where;

you pass ian on your way home.

you read about kids from your old school getting stuck in a lift in which you were once stood many moons ago, willing it to get stuck.

you can wear ridiculous things, grow your armpit hair, and stop with the perfume. no one will mind.

now i'm back here. a sort of home, but not the real one. and i feel i've had to zip myself up. got to knuckle down.

be confined to a smaller space.

i'm hoping to get in touch with various people who may help spread my wings.

paper cut.

2005-03-17T23:41:00.000Z

i got a paper cut on my lip. moo.

before i felt like i was disappointed at myself today. i cried. now i feel better. my work is almost done, so is my progression form. and soon i can home and hopefully forget about all the stupid people who think i'm stupid.

i'm looking forward to all the yummy stuff that's gonna happen!!

plus - MUM AND I ARE GOING TO WOMAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOOHOO!!

and on that happy note i will finish up.

dressing gowns.

2005-03-17T11:37:00.001Z

katherine rings me; "have you got my hairdryer, cause i have wet hair..."
me; "yup, i will put on my dressing gown and be right out"

dressing gown goes on...rush out...am confronted with a group of fully dressed individuals. see katherine standing at her door in her dressing gown. think she had the same 'moment' a moment before.

smile.

dressing gowns.

2005-03-17T11:37:00.000Z

boxes.

2005-03-15T20:15:00.000Z

talked to stuart.

it's a paradoxical law of the human race. we all put others into boxes, but none of us actually fit.

womad

2005-03-12T10:38:00.000Z

woo!! mum and i might be going to womad in the summer!!...if we can get tickets...

fingers crossed.

god works in mysterious ways.

2005-03-08T23:24:00.000Z

yesterday i spent nearly an hour just sat by the river.

the sun shone, the birds sang and played, the flowers shimmered, the occasional train rumbled past and the water sparkled at me.

it was lovely. i felt at peace.

i'm big. you're small.

2005-03-08T22:55:00.000Z

today in english: 'who knew today was international womens day?'

my hand shoots up.

'oh, only one of you.'

today in deaf studies: 'who voted in the student elections?'

my hand shoots up.

'oh, only one of you.'

what is with these people?!